had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
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Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Lmao the reply
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”