Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
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me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.