Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.