excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Breaking news:
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
You have been warned.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)