Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
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Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.