“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.