Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
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her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Breaking news:
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding