“you recording!?”
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Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel