me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.