Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
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This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Did…did a minotaur write this
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)