The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I know this now 😂
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
“you recording!?”
Not helping
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35