three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Fries, not lies.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Had an epiphany today.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Discuss