If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“what’s it like having a sister?”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk