Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
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SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
won’t smith
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.