7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
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“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty