Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
You Might Also Like
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.