“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
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if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Mouse
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)