If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Why soy sad?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Twitter remains undefeated
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Geez man, take it easy.