[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.