ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
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This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
All excellent questions
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Birds & Planes.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.