I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
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Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed