You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
o shit
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
How long do you have to wait between naps?
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.