Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead