Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
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So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Admin smashed it 😂
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.