Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
saving face 👀
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
doing your own taxes
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.