Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Name this drama.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.