Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me