[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
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My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.