In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
You Might Also Like
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.