Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.