Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Ovenable?
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Someone just threatened to call me later
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf