Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
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*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!