Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people