[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Can’t stop laughing
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.