If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.