American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
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You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I was up all night reading about insomnia
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash