Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know