I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat