There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
sleeping beauty
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok