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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction