The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
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The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.