The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
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HER: I鈥檓 a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I鈥檓 sweating bullets
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Chicken bread
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Wifi so slow at my parent鈥檚 house that we actually got to know each other better.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn鈥檛 have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
馃
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
There aren鈥檛 any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person: