THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
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Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Monday Lisa
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.