There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
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According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.