Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
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5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse