You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
whenever i wake up before my alarm
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?