CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
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if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
When you kidnap a writer.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god