Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Meme Monday.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.