There’s always that one guy
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How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.