When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
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OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
If you want my opinion ask my wife